Difficult conversations are a part of life. Whether it's a disagreement with your partner, a performance review at work, or a confrontation with a friend, there will be times when you need to have a difficult conversation.
But difficult conversations don't have to be scary or stressful. With the right approach, you can have these conversations in a way that is productive and respectful. One thing I've learnt and implemented in our marriage is to try to grasp what the person is communicating more than the words the person is using. I find that, sometimes words don't cut to the core exactly what you want to communicate and if we're to rely on just words, we may totally misunderstand what is being communicated across.
In this blog post, I'll share some tips, that have helped my husband and I, on how to have difficult conversations without losing our cool.
Pray about the conversation in your personal prayer time before tackling it. Pray for your partner. I've found this very practical for me because by the time I'm done praying, the problem or whatever needs to be discussed is not as huge as it felt from the beginning. Most times we magnify things that we shouldn't and God in His wisdom would soften your heart towards your partner. If you can pray for anyone, you can love that person and even more, see things in a different perspective. Ask God to help your thoughts, bridle your tongue and help your partner not misunderstand you. As a Christian, solve your issues on your knees first and trust me it'll bow to you when you stand to face it.
Choose the right time and place. Don't try to have a difficult conversation when you're both tired, stressed, or hungry. Yes, hungry, lol. Find a time when you can both focus on the conversation and be calm and respectful. Try not to bring up issues in places you know your partner will not be happy about or would not concentrate on what is being said. Refrain from having a lash out in public. If the timing isn't right, communicate it and ask to speak about it later.
Start by expressing your positive feelings for your partner. This will help to set a positive tone for the conversation and remind your partner that you love and care about them. It's not a boxing match, you're not trying to win an argument or anything. Starting from a positive note is acknowledging that you appreciate your partner and this current issue to discuss isn't cleaning up all the good they've done.
Be specific about what you're upset about. Don't just say "we need to talk" or "something's wrong." No one likes to imagine what they did wrong before it's clear to them. Be clear about what the issue is and how it's making you feel.
Use "I" statements. This means expressing your feelings and needs in a way that doesn't blame your partner. For example, instead of saying "you never do the dishes," you could say "I feel frustrated when I have to do all the dishes." Refrain from using permanent words like, never, always, everytime…etc. It casts a dark view of the person not being able to change ever which isn't pleasant.
Listen to your partner's perspective. Once you've shared your feelings, take some time to listen to your partner's perspective. Try to understand where they're coming from and why they're feeling the way they do. We're trying to solve a problem and not passing a verdict. Allow them to communicate their stance without you interjecting or even preventing them from talking.
Be willing to compromise. In most cases, there won't be a clear "winner" in a difficult conversation. Be willing to compromise and find a solution that works for both of you.
Agree to disagree. If you can't come to an agreement, it's okay to agree to disagree. Forsake the notion that if we're disagreeing it means we're not compatible. Give room for disagreeing respectfully. Just make sure that you both respect each other's opinions. It won't always go your way. Don't be selfish and don't forget they also have feelings.
End the conversation on a positive note. Even if you didn't resolve the issue, try to end the conversation on a positive note. This could mean expressing your hope for the future or reaffirming your love for your partner. Come up with solutions so that, in the near future,these can be applied in a similar situation. Don't just leave it off. Example, if your partner used money that belongs to both of you without your knowledge and you address it, reiterate that on the next occasion they should remember to communicate it so you don't have to find out yourself.
Seek professional help. This should actually be the last resolution. First learn to communicate with your spouse to the point where things are resolved between you two, amicably. Don't make running outside with all issues your first go to. And don't talk to just anyone anywhere about your relationship issues if they'll not practically help you out. If your partner has to find out something is wrong from someone else, when you two could have spoken about it, it doesn't give a nice feeling. Make sure the person you're asking for help from when all is not working is someone who has the relationship's best interest at heart. How you report the issue would also affect how you receive the help. If you're really trying to solve a problem then don't go from an attacking place or a condemning stance. Don't report your spouse like they're kids.
It's also important to remember that difficult conversations are a normal part of any relationship. They don't mean that your relationship is in trouble. In fact, they can actually be a sign of a healthy relationship, because they show that you're willing to communicate openly and honestly with each other. Learn to not put off conversations for a long time. Learn to not sweep things under the carpet, they make things difficult and explosive when they've piled up. Not all problems can be solved instantly. Some would take a longer period to fix themselves. We're humans who have grown up from different backgrounds, have had different experiences, now trying to live together. Give yourselves time to adjust to yourselves, allow patience to have its perfect work in you. Remember, love covers a multitude of sins. I pray you overcome whatever difficult situation you're in with your partner and may they make your relationship richer.
Here are some additional tips for staying strong in a difficult conversation:
* Take deep breaths and focus on staying calm.
* Avoid personal attacks and name-calling.
* Don't interrupt your partner.
* Stick to the topic at hand.
* Be willing to forgive and forget.
* Don't manipulate your partner into not talking about issues.
Remember, difficult conversations are never easy, but they can be an important part of a healthy relationship. By following these tips, I believe, you can learn to have these conversations in a way that is productive and respectful.